Walk Worthy Press: Choose Me by Xenia Ruiz

Author Testimony

Growing up, I attended church sporadically; however, I have always felt the presence of God in my life for as long as I can remember. There were times when I found myself in impossible and dangerous situations and then miraculously "saved," to which I could only attribute to God watching over me.

They say high school is supposed to be the best time of your life, but for me, it was the worst. During these years, I filled my diaries with my unstable home life, my lonely school life, and my dream of living independently away from everyone. I seized every opportunity to express my thoughts in writing assignments and the school newspaper. It took years for me to realize that my alienation was due to childhood abandonment, verbal and sexual abuse. In my yearbook, one of my teachers, Ms. Finley, wrote, "I know that one day I will read a book written by you."

The year after I graduated from high school, I got married, only to divorce four years later, but not before being blessed with two children. I spent my twenties and thirties raising my children and working full-time, while attending Northwestern University part-time.

After several relationships, including an engagement to a man who almost exposed me to a deadly illness, I was determined never to have sex outside of marriage again. It was after this wake-up call in 1991 that I accepted Christ as my personal savior. Since I was also unsure whether I ever wanted to be married again, this decision became more difficult than I thought.

Over the years, I continued writing, whether it was an editorial to a newspaper or magazine, or expressing my feelings and life experiences in the form of poetry, stories, essays, and screenplays. My first short story, "Call Me," was published in Kaleidoscope: Women at Work, in 1991. Also, in 1991, I started writing "my great Puerto Rican American novel," the story of a woman coming to grips with her father's abandonment and death after the suicide of her brother. This novel is a semi-autobiographical account of my own relationship with my father, what my mother calls my "daddy syndrome." I spent almost six years writing and revising it in between work, school and raising my family. Although the manuscript was ejected several times, one publisher considered publishing it—if I changed the format to their specifications. I refused and concentrated on other projects.

In 1997, another short story, "Pops," won first prize in Northwestern University's 59th Annual Iota Sigma Epsilon Fiction Contest. In 1998, I received a writing certificate from Northwestern University and in 2001, I graduated with a B.S. in Sociology.

In addition to my previously-mentioned publications, two of my essays were published on-line in 2000, one of which details my experiences as an Latina of the African Diaspora who has always identified with African-American culture ("Pelo Malo: Confessions of a Puerto Rican Kinky-Haired Sister"). I received many e-mails (and continue receiving them five years later) from readers of various nationalities telling me how much they identify with the theme of my essay. While I have incorporated some of these experiences into the novel, it is not the major theme—God is. I believe it is this aspect that will appeal to all readers, regardless of their ethnicity. After all, one of the most well-known verses in the bible, John 3:16, has been translated into more than 1100 languages.

Sometime in October 2002, I came across one of my novels-in-progress which I started writing several years before. From this 10,000-word rough draft, a more spiritual, in-depth 120,000-word novel evolved, which ultimately became Choose Me.

Choose Me is similar to other Christian novels about relationships in that it shows Christians who fall from grace but find their way back. In addition, the issue of finding the "right man" (or woman) is a general theme that all women (men) can relate to. However, the novel is distinct in two ways.

First, unlike other Christian novels about women confronting worldly issues and which feature predominantly African-African characters, or mostly Caucasian characters, my novel features interracial/intercultural relationships (Eva is Latina and Adam is African American) and biracial characters. This perspective not only demonstrates the universality of God across racial and cultural lines, but represents the growing make-up of many American families today. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the number of interracial marriages has increased tenfold since 1960. As a Latina American who was married to an African American, I have found that relationships like mine were missing from contemporary fiction, not to mention inspirational fiction.

Secondly, many Christian novels use third person, telling the story from several characters' point of view. My novel's strength lies within its first person account, told by the two main characters, Eva and Adam, in alternating chapters. This approach gives the book a sense that the characters are in charge of giving their own testimonies.

Choose Me is loosely based on my experiences in the years since I distanced myself away from men for the purposes of spiritual, emotional, and physical cleansing. Over the years, as my need to grow spiritually and creatively intensified, the desire to have a man in my life has lessened. Abstinence has been one of the hardest sacrifices I have ever endured, because after all, "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." Choose Me is about what happens when two people in a relationship surrender to God. It is not just a story about love, but something deeper—discovering one's soul.

Although I was originally discouraged by the rejections of my first novel, I truly believe God intervened because He wanted me to complete Choose Me. It took me nine months to complete Choose Me while it took me years to finish my first novel. I believe that God speaks to us in many ways: through other people, life's little coincidences—even through rejections. Whenever I was turned down for a job or didn't get something I wanted, my disappointment turned to faith. I always believed that there was something bigger and better waiting for me.

While I already consider myself a successful writer, my ultimate goal is to make writing a full-time career and I know that with God, this is possible. Less expensive than a psychologist, writing has been my therapy. It has saved my sanity, and in many ways, my life. As my therapist, God has always listened when others didn't have the time. While man has let me down, God never has. Like the characters in my book, I have accepted that God is my true Father.

Contrary to what the popular media says, the issues of infidelity, children born out of wedlock, and the increase of AIDS in the Latin- and African-American communities are all directly related to sexual immorality. I hope my book inspires other women who are seeking "Mr. Righteous" to wait on God. Women should spend time alone and get to know themselves, get to know Him. Ultimately, being alone does not necessarily mean being lonely. And you are never alone as long as you have God.

Xenia Ruiz

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